Ten (and one more) Things I Love About You

The last few days (maybe weeks?) have been niggling ones. You know when there is something annoying around every corner and you just can't work out why. I think partly its the summer holidays so everything we regularly do is cancelled or shifted around and there is just less 'normal'. I'm more of a creature of habit than I knew. Time with mummy friends (hooray for the mamas!) and a good bit of thinking has perked me up a bit and last night my thoughts (after changing a very wet nappy at 12:30...how can one small boy wee so much?!) were about love rather than the impatience and annoyance that has crowded out all the positive over this last tricky period. Specifically, because I really needed to remind myself, love for my little boy.

So here goes... Ten things I love about Conn...

1 - The softness of your skin. It never ceases to amaze me that your cheeks still feel so wonderful against my skin. I guess that's the oxytocin talking.
2 - Your funny little face and its many expressions.

 

3 - Just how much chatter you make these days. It's no longer just a few sounds strung together, your speech is now varied and vibrant and I can tell the tone of your arguments as though you are a professional orator. Even if you do get a little bit loud at times, don't stop the chatter my boy.
4 - The dusty, teddy bear smell of the top of your head as you lie next to me, tickling my nose with your fluffy hair, settling back to sleep after a night time wake up. Only I have ever experienced this, a true blessing.

5 - That you have given me an easy and genuinely good excuse to escape from a career that I was finding harder and harder to reconcile myself with...
6 - ...and that (hopefully) you will not have to enter that world at all but will instead learn from play and life and the world all around you. No limits and tests and truly at your own pace.

7 - The world of new friends you have opened up for me. If it weren't for you I would be missing out of some wonderful new friendships (I still value the old ones just a s much, don't worry!)

8 - Your stubbornness, curiosity and determination. Yes, I really do love it all. It fills me with a certain knowledge that you know what you want (and don't want) and that is a great thing to know in life.
9 - The cuddles. Always the cuddles.

10 - The joy you bring to our home. Yes we may be more tired than we ever were before you came along and have very little in the way of 'free time' these days but I wouldn't change that for the world.

Can I do one more?

11 - The need for slowness and presence in every day. With you, I cannot rush. On those days when you don't want to get in the car seat again and you stand in it refusing to bend in the middle, I could squash you in and save myself a minute or two, or we can just cuddle and talk about where we're going until you're ready. When we need to go upstairs to the bathroom (for yet another nappy change...did I mention the wee!?) It could be much quicker if I just picked you up but we take our time, you climbing the stairs and picking at the paint on the walls and turning the corner to go up into the loft room (I'm sure its just to check if daddy is up there or not). And myriad other little slownesses throughout the day. I love this. Because it won't be long until you can do your own seat belt up and you can run up and down the stairs on your own. You're already almost a year old! Where did that year go?!

Anyway, sorry, got a bit carried away there. But its what I needed. A bit of perspective. A refresh.
Wishing you well my friends. It's all about love round here now (at least until the next time I can't get him to sleep in the evening or have a 2AM sheets changing session anyway!).
S. x

One of Those Day

Every week at the moment we have 'one of those days.' You know the ones where you have lots planned but none of it works out? Sometimes this happens because plans fall through or something that should have been simple and quick gets complicated and takes a lot longer. Round here 'those days' happen when Connor is having a hard time for whatever reason...teething, going through a growth spurt or developmental leap, just feeling a bit overwhelmed with life in general or perhaps being a little under the weather. Whatever it is that causes it he just can't cope with everyday life like he normally does. There are lots and lots of tears that take longer to get over and start so much more easily than usual. There is a lot of whining and a constant need for cuddles...often very wriggly ones. Whatever we try to do is not quite the right thing. Life is just too hard.

Its on days like this that I am incredibly grateful for the fact that I can sack everything off and just be with him at home for the day. I have no obligation to leave the house if I don't fancy it. I do not have to go out to work. I do not have to get the house sparkling clean or even prepare meals for anyone but the two of us (and there's always a fish finger sandwich or a frozen pizza for the days when even simple cooking is too high a mountain to climb.)

So, on 'one of those days' we take a deep breath and ride the stormy sea together with lots of play and singing and slow, slow movement from activity to activity. And do you know what? Although my ears would rather not have to hear the whining and crying that happens many many times throughout the day, and I'd rather he wasn't suffering whatever feelings and frustrations have taken hold of him, I love 'those days'. 'Those days' remind me that this is why I wanted to be a mama. To live every moment of being this little boy's mum, even the shitty bits...maybe especially the shitty bits. Because although it is not always easy (and I certainly used to find it really hard but have got better with practise and an understanding that "this too shall pass") its real and its not the sugar coated vision of life that I post on Instagram. It is in some small part the antidote to it.

And at the end of 'one of those days' I feel a deep sense of achievement despite the fact that I have at most done a load single of laundry and there are still pots to be washed by the sink and the floor is filthy and that pile of stuff is still on the bottom step of the stairs and I didn't manage to ring the garage to book the car in for it's MOT and there is no milk in the fridge and we had a made up meal of whatever we could find that roughly went together and the library books are now overdue and the toys are still scattered all over the sitting room floor and Connor has no nappies for tomorrow morning.

We have still made it through the day. We have still had lots of cuddles and a few smiles and giggles when the sea was a little calmer. We have still felt the deepest sort of love that it is possible to feel. And I am proud of my boy and I am proud of myself for coping with the storm because everything else can wait. None of it matters right now. And that is a great feeling. That it is possible to live a day where nothing matters but my boy. Pure bliss. I'm already looking forward to the next one.

Hope you have (or maybe don't have) 'one of those days' soon.
S. x

Crawling, Climbing, Clicking, Clapping and Changing my "Clever Boy" Language

 Honestly, this being a parent thing just gets more and more fun. Our little boy is almost nine months old and seems to learn a new trick or skill every day. Since my last post he has learned to crawl, climb the steps up out of the bathroom with only a tiny bit of supervision (he seems to want to sit down on thin air as soon as he's up!), pull up on the sofa (and other things) to stand all by himself, click with his tongue (as well as a whole host of other sounds) and clap his hands. Phew!

 It's not all fun and games however as he's also discovered that giant rubber ducks are very scary things and can put you off an entire swimming lesson. Still, can't be all ups I guess, hehe!

 It's a very strange thing that he's starting to understand the words we say to him. When we say "clap" it may take a little while to process but he claps in the end. He's also starting to recognise his name. All this has got me thinking about the way in which we talk to him and children in general.
 I've been reading a lot about communicating with children lately, especially when it comes to praise (and gender but that needs a whole blog post of its own). This article in particular has shifted my perception on what praise is for and how it works.

 Having been a teacher for nine years and in the education system for a total of 27 years in one form or another I am pretty indoctrinated in the "positive praise is always a good thing" camp. It's drilled into us from our own childhoods, schooling and, for me, my training and pratise as a teacher that "well done" and "good girl/boy" are the things to say to encourage children to feel good about their achievements and themselves.
 These are the sort of phrases that automatically comes out of my mouth when Connor claps his hands or climbs that step. It is so very hard to change such habits but now is the time to do it, while he still doesn't really understand the words fully and sees only our smiling faces as his encouragement.  Now is the time to practice saying things like...

"I can see you're trying really hard to get up that step Connor, you'll get there soon."

...Sounds fake and strange and not nearly as encouraging to my "clever boy" trained mind but it has so much more going for it.

:: It is an observation showing that I am really looking at what he's doing, he is the focus of my attention and that his actions have real value.
:: It is focused on his effort not the outcome of his activity.
:: It is open to the possibility that he can change and improve... It is 'growth' not 'fixed' mindset orientated.

 Here's hoping that by the time he really does understand these words my "well done" dial has been turned down enough to make sure that most of my praise really means something. We'll see... I'm still learning and need some serious practice but I can get there with time. That's my own growth mind set talking.

Have a good weekend in the sunshine all.
S. x

Acceptance and affirmation

 I get it, I accept it, we accept it as a family. We have one of those 'high needs' babies. You know, the ones described as clingy, sensitive, fussy and generally hard work.
 It is hard work at times when all he wants is to be attached to us but still wants to explode the world while in arms. Imagine wrestling a small bear and you can kind of get an idea. But it is also really fun!  All those words used to describe a baby like Connor have such negative connotations but for me they are good things.

 He is clingy because he feels at his safest and happiest in our arms and no one else will do. He can really let himself be in our presence so on those days when he just needs to have a good cry to process what's been going on around him he can feel safe enough to let it all out while cuddling in my arms and once it's done he's back to being happy, if a little sensitive still.
 He is sensitive because he is aware of what is going on around him. If another baby cries, he might cry too because he's aware that there is something worth crying about going on very near to him. If he gets upset because of loud noises or sudden appearances it's because he wasn't expecting them and wanted the safety and security of parental arms to help him cope and calm down.
 He is fussy because he is communicating his needs and wants. He is fussy because he is frustrated that he can't do something he wants to do, no matter how hard he tries. He is fussy because he is tired or uncomfortable or lonely or hungry or bored... And every time he fusses, one of us will tend to him to help meet his needs so he is just as fussy the next day and the day after that because we always pay attention to his communication.

 Not knowing any other folks with babes like Connor it can seem like we're doing it wrong sometimes. Conversations with friends are helpful in some ways but often leave me feeling doubtful rather than reassured... Perhaps we're spoiling him? Maybe we should just leave him to cry?  What if we're doing more harm than good? Maybe he is hungry and we should feed him up?
 Thank goodness for the internet. On here there are whole communities of people who have similarly needy babies or who did and now have wonderful, whole, loving children who may still be a little spirited but are happy and healthy and independent and self reliant.
 These stories and insights affirm what we are doing. We do not need to try and change our beautiful boy. We do not even need to try and change his behaviour. We need to keep on just as we are, caring for him with patience, empathy and love... And maybe a bit more patience.

 I read a great quote the other day, not sure who it was from and I've edited it just a little to make it my mama mantra for those doubt filled moments that creep into my head on the difficult days and wakeful nights...

 "The more you trust your decisions, the less you need others to love them"

 Hope you all find acceptance and affirmations of your own during your rough times.
S. x

G is for 'Grump'...and 'Grateful'

Today has been 'one of those days'. Too much we wanted to do and not enough time to do everything we want to, both tired and both with our own ideas of what's most important to accomplish. And to top it all off the little one had his devil face on...

...just like this...a bit manic, toothy and generally unsettled all day long. I know he looks happy but with this chap there is a fine line between being happy and bursting into tears on a day like today.

So, to cut a long story short, we were both grumpy and feeling like the other resented the Connor free time to get stuff done. We've talked it over and made a plan to hopefully level things out again the next time this sort of day occurs but I still need to talk myself around. What better way than to blog!

That was 'G for Grumpy'...now for 'Grateful'...

I find on days like this when all is a bit shit quite frankly the best thing to do is to be grateful for stuff.

:: Grateful for the fact that I can feel crap and can talk about it without fear or scorn.

:: Grateful that I have a little boy who loves to cuddle and be close to his Mama and Dada even if that means that he doesn't want to be put down for hours on end. It's all worth it, especially when he really cuddles back.

:: Grateful for the time I do have to myself, even if it only stretches to a few extra hours in bed at the weekend and a snatch of time in the evening when the monitor is quiet.

:: Grateful for the patience I have for my boy on those nights when it takes an age for him to settle to sleep because his brain is a bit fried and he just needs to let it all out while held in my arms.

:: Grateful for the nights when he sleeps more than usual and the monitor stays quiet in the evening so I get that time.

:: Grateful for where we live, the home we have and the ability we have to make it the way we want it, even if it does mean a bit of mess and dust for little while.

:: Grateful for Sam (though I'm not always good at showing it). For how hard he works. For the time we take to talk about our problems and thoughts. For the concern he shows for how I sleep every night.

:: Grateful for the friends I know will be there to hear my moans and grumbles next time I see them. For their empathy and shared experiences.

There are many more things of course and I apologise if I've listed these before but they are good things to hold onto on the tough days. Here's hoping I don't need to remind myself of them tomorrow too.

Hope you've had a happier weekend friends.
S. x

"Is He Good?"

"Is he good?" is something that comes out of people's mouths a lot when they meet a baby for the first time. Sometimes it's friends or family and other times vague aquaintances or total strangers. At first, it didn't bother me too much and I just replied "yes" and smiled thinking it a slightly odd question. Now however, having had time to think about it, it drives me slightly crazy with it's ridiculousness!

What does it mean to 'be good'?
In my mind to 'be good' you need to know and meet other people's expectations of how to 'be good'. A person who has no idea of or understanding of what these expectations are cannot be expected to meet them. Does this mean that because he doesn't sleep through the night, eat a whole bowl of mush without a fuss and go down for naps with ease in the day that Connor is not a good baby? Does it mean that he's a bad baby?

Ridiculous! He's a baby! Not a miniature adult who knows the rules to fit in with the norm. When he's a toddler it will be equally ridiculous, and again at five and ten and fifteen years of age because children and teens aren't mini adults either, they are just a little further along the road to becoming one.

Being 'good' is a pressure that, thankfully, the babies in the world are not yet aware of, even if their parents are. I hope to raise happy, kind, confident little people in time. I'm not in a rush. If they don't conform to the 'good' template at various (or possibly many!) points along the path I don't really mind.

Good manners will come when they come if we use them ourselves and set an example, sleeping through the night will eventually be part of our lives, confidence and independence will grow with support and truly unconditional love. It's not a race and what works for some may not work for others. I'm just hoping to enjoy the journey, day by day, moment by moment because one of these days my little boy will be leaving home and as everyone with grown up children keeps telling me, it really does come round too quickly.

So, my not-so-good baby who doesn't come close to sleeping through the night, only naps attached to me or his Daddy during the day and throws the majority of his food on the floor barely touched, good on you! You're amazing and you're learning everyday to be more and more amazing.

(Had to put a photo in... Blogs are weird with no pictures!...Tuggy box... Instant success for very little effort!)

Rant over...Over and out friends.
S. x

Spring time and struggles...

To my annoyance I wrote a blog post entitled "Spring Time!" last week and it disappeared off the face of the earth before I could publish it, oh bother! So this is a combined post to cover last week's missing one and a few difficult thoughts about baby struggles...

First off, spring!

Last weekend was the first when we could really get Connor out into the garden and onto the grass without extra layers and a blanket. He loved it and happily sat there drinking in the fresh air and trying to eat the odd dandelion.

The spring sunshine inspired the "thank you" cards we made for Dutch relatives who sent gifts back with Sam's parents a few weeks ago. I'm always a little unsure about children and thank you cards, perhaps because they were never expected of us unless we initiated them when we were small or maybe it's all those articles I've been reading about building genuine gratitude in children. Either way, the expectation is there and I don't fancy rocking the boat just yet, though maybe I should start as I mean to go on!

Now for the struggles...

Our little boy is a bit of a sensitive soul I think... In fact I know it for sure, most who know him well would agree. He is a happy chap in general who can always find a smile but does struggle with having to deal with too much 'new' and 'busy' in his days. We've just come back from an over night stay with his lovely Great Gran in Wales and he did his best to hold it all together in a new place but he did struggle... He struggled at night a lot, sleeping fitfully and needing lots of cuddles, and today, having had less than a happy night he really struggled to nap and feed. Now we are home he has let it all out and had a big cry and finally fed well and fallen asleep with a lot of help.

Now here is the question... Does he need more 'busy' and 'new' to help him get used to it? Or does that not work? Should we keep his little life small and familiar until he has learned some of the skills he needs to cope better? I know what my heart tells me and the more I read the more my head agrees. But it is such a dilemma... We have family and friends all over the country who we want to see either as visitors here or as guests staying with them. But at the same time, I know that Connor is not a show piece to be taken here there and everywhere to entertain and give cuddles to (to him) complete strangers in completely strange places.

It breaks my heart to see how difficult he finds it, even once we are back on familiar ground, to process all that goes on around him when we're doing things out of the ordinary. It's likely it will still take another couple of days for him to be quite back to his normal self and in the meantime I'll keep life simple, not too much 'busy' and not too much 'new'.

Wishing you all and lovely start to the month,
S. x