Ten (and one more) Things I Love About You

The last few days (maybe weeks?) have been niggling ones. You know when there is something annoying around every corner and you just can't work out why. I think partly its the summer holidays so everything we regularly do is cancelled or shifted around and there is just less 'normal'. I'm more of a creature of habit than I knew. Time with mummy friends (hooray for the mamas!) and a good bit of thinking has perked me up a bit and last night my thoughts (after changing a very wet nappy at 12:30...how can one small boy wee so much?!) were about love rather than the impatience and annoyance that has crowded out all the positive over this last tricky period. Specifically, because I really needed to remind myself, love for my little boy.

So here goes... Ten things I love about Conn...

1 - The softness of your skin. It never ceases to amaze me that your cheeks still feel so wonderful against my skin. I guess that's the oxytocin talking.
2 - Your funny little face and its many expressions.

 

3 - Just how much chatter you make these days. It's no longer just a few sounds strung together, your speech is now varied and vibrant and I can tell the tone of your arguments as though you are a professional orator. Even if you do get a little bit loud at times, don't stop the chatter my boy.
4 - The dusty, teddy bear smell of the top of your head as you lie next to me, tickling my nose with your fluffy hair, settling back to sleep after a night time wake up. Only I have ever experienced this, a true blessing.

5 - That you have given me an easy and genuinely good excuse to escape from a career that I was finding harder and harder to reconcile myself with...
6 - ...and that (hopefully) you will not have to enter that world at all but will instead learn from play and life and the world all around you. No limits and tests and truly at your own pace.

7 - The world of new friends you have opened up for me. If it weren't for you I would be missing out of some wonderful new friendships (I still value the old ones just a s much, don't worry!)

8 - Your stubbornness, curiosity and determination. Yes, I really do love it all. It fills me with a certain knowledge that you know what you want (and don't want) and that is a great thing to know in life.
9 - The cuddles. Always the cuddles.

10 - The joy you bring to our home. Yes we may be more tired than we ever were before you came along and have very little in the way of 'free time' these days but I wouldn't change that for the world.

Can I do one more?

11 - The need for slowness and presence in every day. With you, I cannot rush. On those days when you don't want to get in the car seat again and you stand in it refusing to bend in the middle, I could squash you in and save myself a minute or two, or we can just cuddle and talk about where we're going until you're ready. When we need to go upstairs to the bathroom (for yet another nappy change...did I mention the wee!?) It could be much quicker if I just picked you up but we take our time, you climbing the stairs and picking at the paint on the walls and turning the corner to go up into the loft room (I'm sure its just to check if daddy is up there or not). And myriad other little slownesses throughout the day. I love this. Because it won't be long until you can do your own seat belt up and you can run up and down the stairs on your own. You're already almost a year old! Where did that year go?!

Anyway, sorry, got a bit carried away there. But its what I needed. A bit of perspective. A refresh.
Wishing you well my friends. It's all about love round here now (at least until the next time I can't get him to sleep in the evening or have a 2AM sheets changing session anyway!).
S. x

One of Those Day

Every week at the moment we have 'one of those days.' You know the ones where you have lots planned but none of it works out? Sometimes this happens because plans fall through or something that should have been simple and quick gets complicated and takes a lot longer. Round here 'those days' happen when Connor is having a hard time for whatever reason...teething, going through a growth spurt or developmental leap, just feeling a bit overwhelmed with life in general or perhaps being a little under the weather. Whatever it is that causes it he just can't cope with everyday life like he normally does. There are lots and lots of tears that take longer to get over and start so much more easily than usual. There is a lot of whining and a constant need for cuddles...often very wriggly ones. Whatever we try to do is not quite the right thing. Life is just too hard.

Its on days like this that I am incredibly grateful for the fact that I can sack everything off and just be with him at home for the day. I have no obligation to leave the house if I don't fancy it. I do not have to go out to work. I do not have to get the house sparkling clean or even prepare meals for anyone but the two of us (and there's always a fish finger sandwich or a frozen pizza for the days when even simple cooking is too high a mountain to climb.)

So, on 'one of those days' we take a deep breath and ride the stormy sea together with lots of play and singing and slow, slow movement from activity to activity. And do you know what? Although my ears would rather not have to hear the whining and crying that happens many many times throughout the day, and I'd rather he wasn't suffering whatever feelings and frustrations have taken hold of him, I love 'those days'. 'Those days' remind me that this is why I wanted to be a mama. To live every moment of being this little boy's mum, even the shitty bits...maybe especially the shitty bits. Because although it is not always easy (and I certainly used to find it really hard but have got better with practise and an understanding that "this too shall pass") its real and its not the sugar coated vision of life that I post on Instagram. It is in some small part the antidote to it.

And at the end of 'one of those days' I feel a deep sense of achievement despite the fact that I have at most done a load single of laundry and there are still pots to be washed by the sink and the floor is filthy and that pile of stuff is still on the bottom step of the stairs and I didn't manage to ring the garage to book the car in for it's MOT and there is no milk in the fridge and we had a made up meal of whatever we could find that roughly went together and the library books are now overdue and the toys are still scattered all over the sitting room floor and Connor has no nappies for tomorrow morning.

We have still made it through the day. We have still had lots of cuddles and a few smiles and giggles when the sea was a little calmer. We have still felt the deepest sort of love that it is possible to feel. And I am proud of my boy and I am proud of myself for coping with the storm because everything else can wait. None of it matters right now. And that is a great feeling. That it is possible to live a day where nothing matters but my boy. Pure bliss. I'm already looking forward to the next one.

Hope you have (or maybe don't have) 'one of those days' soon.
S. x

Acceptance and affirmation

 I get it, I accept it, we accept it as a family. We have one of those 'high needs' babies. You know, the ones described as clingy, sensitive, fussy and generally hard work.
 It is hard work at times when all he wants is to be attached to us but still wants to explode the world while in arms. Imagine wrestling a small bear and you can kind of get an idea. But it is also really fun!  All those words used to describe a baby like Connor have such negative connotations but for me they are good things.

 He is clingy because he feels at his safest and happiest in our arms and no one else will do. He can really let himself be in our presence so on those days when he just needs to have a good cry to process what's been going on around him he can feel safe enough to let it all out while cuddling in my arms and once it's done he's back to being happy, if a little sensitive still.
 He is sensitive because he is aware of what is going on around him. If another baby cries, he might cry too because he's aware that there is something worth crying about going on very near to him. If he gets upset because of loud noises or sudden appearances it's because he wasn't expecting them and wanted the safety and security of parental arms to help him cope and calm down.
 He is fussy because he is communicating his needs and wants. He is fussy because he is frustrated that he can't do something he wants to do, no matter how hard he tries. He is fussy because he is tired or uncomfortable or lonely or hungry or bored... And every time he fusses, one of us will tend to him to help meet his needs so he is just as fussy the next day and the day after that because we always pay attention to his communication.

 Not knowing any other folks with babes like Connor it can seem like we're doing it wrong sometimes. Conversations with friends are helpful in some ways but often leave me feeling doubtful rather than reassured... Perhaps we're spoiling him? Maybe we should just leave him to cry?  What if we're doing more harm than good? Maybe he is hungry and we should feed him up?
 Thank goodness for the internet. On here there are whole communities of people who have similarly needy babies or who did and now have wonderful, whole, loving children who may still be a little spirited but are happy and healthy and independent and self reliant.
 These stories and insights affirm what we are doing. We do not need to try and change our beautiful boy. We do not even need to try and change his behaviour. We need to keep on just as we are, caring for him with patience, empathy and love... And maybe a bit more patience.

 I read a great quote the other day, not sure who it was from and I've edited it just a little to make it my mama mantra for those doubt filled moments that creep into my head on the difficult days and wakeful nights...

 "The more you trust your decisions, the less you need others to love them"

 Hope you all find acceptance and affirmations of your own during your rough times.
S. x

G is for 'Grump'...and 'Grateful'

Today has been 'one of those days'. Too much we wanted to do and not enough time to do everything we want to, both tired and both with our own ideas of what's most important to accomplish. And to top it all off the little one had his devil face on...

...just like this...a bit manic, toothy and generally unsettled all day long. I know he looks happy but with this chap there is a fine line between being happy and bursting into tears on a day like today.

So, to cut a long story short, we were both grumpy and feeling like the other resented the Connor free time to get stuff done. We've talked it over and made a plan to hopefully level things out again the next time this sort of day occurs but I still need to talk myself around. What better way than to blog!

That was 'G for Grumpy'...now for 'Grateful'...

I find on days like this when all is a bit shit quite frankly the best thing to do is to be grateful for stuff.

:: Grateful for the fact that I can feel crap and can talk about it without fear or scorn.

:: Grateful that I have a little boy who loves to cuddle and be close to his Mama and Dada even if that means that he doesn't want to be put down for hours on end. It's all worth it, especially when he really cuddles back.

:: Grateful for the time I do have to myself, even if it only stretches to a few extra hours in bed at the weekend and a snatch of time in the evening when the monitor is quiet.

:: Grateful for the patience I have for my boy on those nights when it takes an age for him to settle to sleep because his brain is a bit fried and he just needs to let it all out while held in my arms.

:: Grateful for the nights when he sleeps more than usual and the monitor stays quiet in the evening so I get that time.

:: Grateful for where we live, the home we have and the ability we have to make it the way we want it, even if it does mean a bit of mess and dust for little while.

:: Grateful for Sam (though I'm not always good at showing it). For how hard he works. For the time we take to talk about our problems and thoughts. For the concern he shows for how I sleep every night.

:: Grateful for the friends I know will be there to hear my moans and grumbles next time I see them. For their empathy and shared experiences.

There are many more things of course and I apologise if I've listed these before but they are good things to hold onto on the tough days. Here's hoping I don't need to remind myself of them tomorrow too.

Hope you've had a happier weekend friends.
S. x

Sunday Gratitude

As I sit here feeding my boy to sleep for his first nap of the day (at only 8am it tells you what time morning is for us these days!) I was thinking about all of the things that are great about the world I inhabit at the moment. So here are a few pieces of gratitude to start the day and end the week...

1. Having a partner and father to my boy who really gets it. With Sam working away most weeks at the moment it can be hard sometimes with the sleepless nights that accompany a nearly five month old teething baby to keep my energy up all the way through the week. My saving grace is when Sam is home at the weekends when he'll take Connor for an hour or two to give me time for a nap or a soak in the bath, that little window of time when responsibility for out little one is lifted from my shoulders. Pure bliss and fully appreciated, thank you so much my love.

2. Four hours in a row...a real rarity at the moment as two hours sleep in a row is pretty much the norm, but when it does happen, on those magic nights when he doesn't stir for four beautiful, sleepy hours it feels like a whole new world in the morning.

3. Mummy friends. So fortunate am I to have such a great group of women to chat to and walk with and (most importantly) eat cake with on a weekly basis. I'd be lost without you lovely people!

4. Family... Not just us little threesome but all the rest whether miles up north or an hour down the road or across the sea I still feel like you're right there whenever I might need you. Same goes for my friends further afield

5. A patient cat. Thank goodness she's ok with the fact that he now wants to grab her fur as she walks by. I'm pretty sure if I tried that I'd have been savaged and bleeding in seconds!

6. Not having to "go back to work"! This is largely possible because of how hard Sam works. I am not the sort of person who needs to go to work for some adult conversation or a change of scenery and the thought of having to leave my boy with someone else to care for him while I care for other people's children at school does not bear thinking about. I'm a home body, happy pottering about all day long.

7. My boy. What can I say. Words cannot express my need for him to be near me. Love does not even cover it.

Big things that make up my small world and I am in awe of every single moment.

Happy Sunday all.
S.x

Oops!

Oh dear, I really did mean to post this in early January but I suppose early February will have to do instead.

Not much crafting happened for Christmas this year but there was a tiny bit!

Firstly, Connor 'helped' make this years Christmas cards at the grand old age of two months. Hand and foot printing with a baby who was still holding on to those tight fists and curled up toes reflexes was quite entertaining but thanks to Vistaprint we only had to make one decent copy!

And secondly some play scarves for the babes in the family. I regret not making two rainbow ones, as it is by far my favourite, but I plan on making more at some point (not least because I lost two of Connor's to my niece Lexi the other week.) So watch this space little Jacky nephew, you will have a rainbow at some point!

Since Christmas I have actually managed a little crafting too and hope to do more now that the jongen is going to bed so much earlier and giving me an hour or two in the evening (most of the time anyway)...

A new crochet hat for the wee one (and hopefully another one on the way for his baby buddy Erin sooner rather than later.)

And finally, I had to share this fab pic of my own Ma and Pa with a slightly grumpy looking babe just because of Mum's great facial expression!

Happy belated new year everyone.
S. x

Nearly a year!

I've not posted on here since early January so nearly a whole year has passed. And what a year!

We found out about this in late January...

And he grew...

...and grew...

...and so did I!

A bit more.

And a bit more until...

Pop! He arrived! Our little September baby.

But that's not all that happened this year. With a new arrival just around the corner, I needed no nudging to get creative. Several changing mats, two mobiles and a play mat were sewn up, second hand muslins and clothes dyed and a crochet blanket begun (and still only half finished!) More on all that crafting in another post though as I'm sure you'll agree that the best creation to come out of 2016 is our little boy Connor!

Happy weekending folks!
S. x

Happenings

A lovely long summer holiday (the benefit of moving counties - 2 extra weeks!) is drawing to an end. Much of the time has been spent on a complete overhaul of my new classroom - 12 days so far and with at least two more planned during this last week. All worth it though as it's so much more organised and ready for all of the lovely new little ones to come in and enjoy it in a week's time. It's not all been work work work though...

Much fun with the nieces and nephew and my lovely mama...

A lovely weekend chasing logs (and a little crafting thrown in of course) with my old friend Carrie and her husband Giles...

And as for house goings on, well we are now truly ready for winter with two lovely log burners fitted and working (and in action today on this rather miserable bank holiday in, uhhum, August). With some gorgeous bespoke book shelves and a TV cabinet in the making its almost time to get those tester pots in and start really thinking about wall colour for the sitting room. I am so excited (and a little nervous) to finally be able to paint walls - out with the magnolia and in with the colour I say!

Hope you're making the most of the "summer" bank holiday everyone. (We are in full sofa, fire and film mode, perhaps not making the most of it but certainly enjoying it.)

S. x

Holiday

A long weekend away with my love in Ireland, exploring, eating, lying in and generally relaxing.
Lovely food, beautiful surroundings, stunning coast, day dreams of abandoned houses becoming holiday homes and learning about lichen.

Short but sweet: Thank you so much Will and Mary for sharing your amazing home (and for introducing us to soda bread-yum yum!)

Hope you're all enjoying a bit of R&R this summer.
S. x